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Blame & Blaming - Psychology Tips

The following excerpt (slightly modified) about blaming is from the self-help psychology book Be Your Own Therapist - Whoever You Hire Is Just Your Assistant. (Graphics differ from book.) Criticism and blaming are unhappy parts of human experience which can be discarded.

BLAMING IS VALUABLE - BLAMING IS USELESS

"How can you tell whether the criticism you feel is valuable or useless? Many are full of blame these days- directed at white males, at black males, at feminists, at government, at fundamentalists, at gays, at the police, at the patriarchy. Those who so blame will seemingly continue to do so until all those being blamed change. Such a 100% perfect result is impossible.

Do you enjoy the feeling of everlasting criticism? Do you want that feeling for the next 40 years? Such criticism keeps the blaming person feeling unhappy. Criticism is also often becoming unproductive now in eliciting changes (those blamed frequently feel attacked and defend themselves).

On the other hand, I do consider another type of blame to be valuable. One common feeling within trauma knots is childhood blame, which was often hidden, along with many other feelings and words, at the time of childhood traumas. This criticism is directed at someone (usually one or more parenting figures) for not doing "what they should have done" and thus "they caused the trauma." To untie trauma knots it is often useful and productive to criticize those parents of yesteryear. The kid within typically needs to criticize the parent of yesteryear for the trauma. If that is all that happens, then this type of blame too may never end, for other blocked feelings within the trauma knot must also be felt. If all blocked feelings are felt, then the criticism at parents for that particular trauma will end. For the next trauma knot, there will be more childhood criticism that can also be resolved by untying enough strands of that next knot.

Blaming Is Just
Another UNHAPPY Judgment

When clients start upon a course of early-childhood-trauma work with me, I frequently suggest that for about two months that they blame their parents (of many years ago) for all their hangups, all their problems, and all their discomforts. I suggest saying such blaming words only when clients are by themselves or with me, not in person to their parents of today. (Though many do attempt it in person, this results in virtually no success at trauma resolution but sometimes a bit of understanding from the parent of today. Unhappily, the parent of today often denies the validity of the criticism.) Best results are often obtained when the criticism for a specific problem is voiced aloud to the parent of yesteryear with eyes closed and with a picture of that parent in one's mind: for example, "Mommy, Daddy, you are causing my problem with X." Because most difficulties have their roots in early childhood, such criticism is usually accurate and helps to loosen associated childhood trauma knots.

Even today, 23 years after starting my own early childhood therapy work, I sometimes need to blame my parents for a new-to-my-conscious unexplored trauma knot. Such criticism usually lasts 15 seconds or less, and then I go on to other aspects of the trauma knot.

Am I Stuck in Blame? If childhood criticism for a particular problem persists, it is a clear indicator to me that I am stuck. Any criticism I feel about today's life events is also a clear indicator that I am avoiding my own issues. (See next chapter for more on this last statement.) If you, the reader, are stuck, then you may wish to choose to make a new choice (see Stage IV in Chapter 4).

Turn your blaming lemons into lemonade!

We all regularly face the choice to remain stuck or to pursue happier alternatives. This is popularly known as the choice between "being right" and "being happy." This author most definitely recommends dropping the shoulds associated with "being right." For self-righteousness alienates others, is often a shaky unstable prop for one's ego, and leads to unhappiness whenever "wrong" ideas/ people/ actions are in view. If self-righteousness or blame or judgments of any sort persists, being stuck and being unhappy also persist. To summarize, temporary blame is often essential to the permanent release of trauma knots, whereas criticism that persists is clear evidence of being stuck in unhappiness."

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